Someone came to me today with a conflict and I think as we talked about it, I learned as much or possibly more than she did. I learned about the importance of the decision–maker.
It seemed straightforward at first. This is the kind of conflict which you hear about often in the workplace. “I am concerned about the tone and the language in the emails I am receiving from this person and I am honestly wondering if she is deliberately trying to undermine me.” That sense of paranoia about the motivations of another, the suspicion about language and tone, these are very familiar concerns in conflict world.
In this classic scenario, I normally advocate a direct conversation with the individual involved to start with. After all, that individual is the one who has the ultimate authority to change their own behaviour. It is usually best to approach the most direct source you have access to for all kind of reasons – it will prevent the situation from escalating; it will eliminate the sense of possible blind-siding or circumventing which will harm the relationship further; and very importantly, it provides a critical opportunity to learn more about the other side of the story and gain a deeper understanding that will help build a stronger relationship.
But a more important point came up as we began to debrief and explore the situation. I began with some questions:
- What is the ultimate and ideal change you would like to see?
- What evidence will you have when it has occurred?
Well, these questions broadened the scope significantly. In fact, the concern was not about the emails at all, but about the changing nature of the relationship between the two organizations each of these people work for.
More questions followed:
- Who has the authority to influence these changes that you have identified?
- How do you believe your previous relationship with this person has influenced your perspective of this situation?
This is always a tightrope walk. It is almost never a bad idea in a gentle, honest, open and specific way to address your concerns directly with an individual. But it is a very good idea to examine what the nature is of you relationship with that person, and the bigger picture.
In this case, because of the previous history of the two involved, because of their roles, and the nature of the relationship of the two organizations they work for, it became clear through questioning and exploring that the best move would be to turn concerns over to another who has the authority to address the bigger picture. The dialogue would not be about the behaviour of one individual, but rather about the changing roles of the two organizations in their working relationship.
Take the time to prepare before entering into a difficult conversation. Examine your own assumptions, and critically look at your role and your authority. Ensure that the decision-maker who has the authority to induce change is in the room from the beginning.